“So explain it again,” Morgul whined. “Why doesn’t anybody like us anymore?”
“I read it online the other day, man,” said Maynard. “We’re played out. The rules that come with us are too binding. People find it too complicated, too what-iffy. It’s boring, the whole ‘in the coffin by daylight’ thing, and the whole ‘stake through the heart’ bit. You can only defeat someone like us so many times before it gets old.”
“But that’s gay,” cried Morgul. “What about werewolves? People are still into them! They have rules! Only coming around once a month? That’s not boring?”
“Pretty sure Twilight ruined both vampires and werewolves for the foreseeable future,” said Maynard. “Just the way it is.”
“Would you guys shut up,” Jakob called from the other room. “I’m trying to listen to Taylor Swift’s new single.”
Jakob was sitting at his desk, his glasses on his nose and his laptop open in front of him. He held a quill and a piece of parchment. He was documenting Taylor Swift’s latest single, writing the lyrics down in their official immortal documents. Jakob was all about Tay-Tay, even going so far as to consider siring her so they could be around her talents for the rest of eternity.
“I think it might have been because werewolves had less movies out about them exclusively,” said Maynard. “I mean, it seems like the only time you see werewolves, it’s in a movie with vampires.”
“Werewolves suck ass anyway,” pouted Morgul. He was the youngest of the three of them and prone to tantrums. He hadn’t yet learned the patience once must master in order to comfortably settle into immortality.
“Yeah, it does suck,” said Maynard. He was the middle aged one. Jakob was the oldest.
“See how bored people are with me when I come into their bedrooms at midnight,” grumbled Morgul. “We’ll see how bored they are when I sink these babies into their jugulars and get myself good and drunk off their life juice.”
He opened his mouth and pointed to his considerable fangs.
“Hey, you loud assholes made me miss the same line three freaking times,” Jakob exclaimed from his desk. He decided to take a break. The bright computer screen hurt his thousand-year-old eyes anyway.
“What are you guys yelling about anyway,” he said as he came into the room, rubbing his temples.
“Morgul’s upset because the humans aren’t interested in us anymore,” said Maynard. “Pop culture has moved on for the time being. But don’t worry, they always come back!”
“True,” said Jakob. “For centuries, I didn’t even have to worry about the humans knowing I existed! It wasn’t until about 200 years ago that vampires even became a thing. And 200 years ago to me is like last freaking week.”
“Yeah, and who cares anyway,” said Maynard. “Now that Twilight’s come and gone, people will be bored stiff of us. They won’t even suspect us. It’ll be even easier to drink.
Maynard and Jakob nodded.
“We’re classic,” said Jakob. “Classics never die. They just hibernate.”
The three stood in the dark basement in what had formerly been an old church. They all wore fine tuxedos and capes of midnight black and blood red. Morgul was short and fair-skinned with slicked back hair the color of oil. The other two liked to tell him he looked like Bela Lugosi’s ugly grandson. Maynard was blonde, with a boyish, round face and an upturned nose that he was insecure about. Jakob was tall and angular with thin-rimmed spectacles and a shock of white hair that stood straight up.
“We’re so misunderstood,” said Morgul. “I want to see a movie about ordinary vampires. You know, vampires that no one gives a shit about. Just go to work, feed, go to sleep, repeat.”
“It’s the little things,” said Jakob. “The stereotype that bothers me most is that we enjoy the blood of virgins the most. I find the blood of virgins to be decidedly tasteless.”
“Old people blood is pretty good,” said Morgul.
“Yeah, and they act like we don’t have interests,” said Maynard. “Like we were never human and have no interest in pop culture. I love EDM and Alexander Payne movies.”
“I like to make lists of things,” said Jakob. “As you all know. I enjoy modern pop music — it’s the most soulless music the humans have created in all of history! I also enjoy night gardening — my potatoes are coming in great this year.”
“Yeah, people,” snorted Morgul. “What a bunch of stiffs.”
“Eh, whatever,” said Maynard. “Let them have their superhero movies and their monster movies and all that bullcrap. We’re beautiful just the way we are.”
“Yeah, fuck people,” said Morgul.
He ran over to the doorway. The sun was just going down, the best time of day.
“Let’s go out tonight guys,” said Morgul. “I think we should go on a rampage at that college down the road. Find a sorority house or something and go all Dracula on them. We can be all suave and shit, hypnotize ’em. That’s always fun.”
“Yeah, I follow a bunch of them on my Instagram,” said Maynard. “And on Snapchat. They’re having some party tonight.”
“Great, they always taste better with alcohol in them,” said Jakob. “And then we can place an anonymous call to the cops when we’re done feeding, so the underage ones get busted.”
“Hell, let’s pretend we’re the cops when we get there,” Morgul yelled giddily. “And we can kick the males in the testicles and make them watch us feed on their females!”
“Oh, that’s always a gas,” said Maynard. “We can do the sneak attack — make like we’re going to hypnotize them, too, and then do it when they’re least expecting it! Do the cape over the face, hand out and clutching, walking slowly towards them… then BAM!”
He and Morgul laughed heartily.
“It’s a plan,” said Jakob. “Let me get my iPad. I love the looks on their faces when they see I’m carrying one.”
“It’s going to be another great night,” said Maynard.
“Let’s get out of this hole, boys,” yelled Morgul. “Let’s go get some young blood!”
He ran up the stairs to the broad cellar doors. He kicked them open and howled at the stars.
The other two followed and the three of them had a bomb-ass night sucking the blood out of co-eds.