The Blue Balls Law

A meme was posted featuring gender-swapped versions of the Spider-Man villains Green Goblin, Rhino, Vulture and Electro. They all looked stoned. Under the image was the caption: Me and the girls about to smash the patriarchy right in the family jewels.

Yes, it was a new day in Alabama. Women had somehow been elected to all major political and judicial positions. Why? It involved a child sex ring scandal and a bunch of other stuff you don’t even want to hear about.

The all-female legislature had immediately brought in a new law — sperm qualified as human individuals. Sperm were people. At any given second, a man could be responsible for up to 8 billion souls swimming about in his sack, so sayeth the law.

A man is not allowed to release his own seed of his own volition without a meaningful destination such as a uterus, the law said. If a woman is responsible for the ejaculation, that’s fine — she has a right to decide the location of the jizz that she’s chosen to coax forth. Face, tits, stomach, feet, whatever. But men are not allowed to relieve themselves any longer.

Sexual intercourse was, of course, not a crime. Masturbation by itself wouldn’t be a crime so long as it didn’t end in ejaculation and the meaningless death of billions. Vasectomies technically amounted to genocide, so they were out as well.

The law’s passage led to Alabama getting renamed “The Edging State” and the law colloquially referred to as, “The Blue Balls Law”.

As a result, you had a state full of sexually frustrated, stressed out men without jobs. They’d always been aggressive and disgruntled (this was Alabama, after all), but now they were unable to release even their most natural biological urges. As such, Alabama became the most violent place on Earth within about an hour of the law’s passing. The all-female legislature chuckled to themselves. That’ll show ’em.

It only took two days for the whole thing to reach nuclear breakdown.

The unwitting soul at the center of all this was named Matt Dershowitz. He’d been kicked in the balls in a barfight over an unfired bullet (we’ll get to that in a second) and had been declared unable to produce sperm.

The man who had committed the fatal kick was named Ryan Haggerty. He was unemployed like most men in Alabama, and had been upset at Dershowtiz for stealing a gold-plated bullet he carried for good luck.

In reality the bullet was found to have slipped through a hole in Haggerty’s pocket and rolled to a harmless stop in between two floorboards near the bar. The bullet was discovered by Haggerty’s pregnant girlfriend Tina Ignacio not two minutes after Dershowiz had been incapacitated.

The trial was one for the ages. Haggerty became the first person accused of a body count that would make Attila the Hun look like Mr. Rogers. The number of dead was so large the court had to give a relative estimate — they went with a nice round number of 10 trillion. 10 trillion lives lost over time as a result of Haggerty’s polished steel-toed boot.

Ultimately, the trial was short. The judge was female. She pounded her gavel and felt very happy to finally be experiencing the power she’d been led to believe men felt every day of their lives.

She sentenced Haggerty to life in prison because he’d be more useful as an asset of the prison industrial complex than a constant source of appeals, plus he could maybe write a book about his transgressions and make money from that, too.

Dershowitz sat with his crotch in a cast and stared daggers at Haggerty throughout the proceedings. Lawyers (all female) talked somberly when recognized by the court and tried valiantly not to break into peals of laughter when they weren’t. Haggerty sat with his public defender and began weeping when the sentence was read, remarking tearfully, “I didn’t mean to get him in the nads, I was aiming for his stomach…”

The fact that Dershowitz was Jewish didn’t help the situation. Haggerty, a man of English and German descent, had essentially killed 10 trillion unborn Jews in a second, which made him exponentially worse than Hitler. Israel put out a strongly worded statement condemning his actions before going back to bombing the shit out of Palestinian children.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. What the fuck?

Here’s the thing — the whole country knew this was ridiculous but they had lives to live and bills to pay so mostly they just shook their heads and read memes about it and were happy this wasn’t happening to them.

“Oh, there goes Alabama again,” they thought. “With those crazy restrictive reproductive laws.”

Also, because this all affected men, no one really gave a shit anyway. People only care when women (especially attractive women) are in distress or oppressed. Half the country didn’t even realize the law had been passed until the media firestorm over Haggerty’s conviction.

So what was to be done with this historic predicament?

Haggerty went to jail for about two weeks before a (female) senator got caught having an affair with (raping) an underage intern and the internet went crazy and the legislature decided maybe the shittier aspects of human nature aren’t gender-exclusive and it was probably a better idea if they just changed the laws back.

So that’s what they did. Haggerty was released and he and Dershowitz became good friends.

A week later, everyone had forgotten about it and not a thing was learned.