What America Means To Me

Adrien Carver
2 min readJul 18, 2022

It’s about naming your dog after a kind of alcohol

It’s about wanting a gun but never actually getting one

It’s about having a stoplight turn red when you’re in a hurry and green when you need to check your phone and hearing the lane departure alarm beep over and over while you pick another song

It’s about taking three hours to transcribe a podcaster’s rant on wikiquote when you should be doing homework for the classes you’re taking to get your second degree

It’s about obsessively checking the same three websites over and over and over until one AM then hating your alarm at five thirty

It’s about fatty liver and gallstones

It’s about being desperate for the adoration of strangers while ignoring family

It’s about lingering guilt with a nebulous, unnameable source

It’s about feeling a terrible white hot rage over some minor inconvenience or perceived slight then telling yourself you’re a horrible person for feeling said rage after you’ve calmed down

It’s about sucking melted Reese’s peanut butter cups out of their wrappers because you left them in your car all afternoon and you want them now

it’s about telling no one any of this

It’s about adding lol to something you did not laugh at

It’s about wanting and not knowing why

It’s about needing but not knowing how to articulate it

it’s about seeing ads in your dreams

it’s about feeling a deep lasting familial bond with homer simpson but not talking to your sister for months

it’s about Disney remakes and realizing you don’t want a remake, you want the feeling you had the first time you watched the original

it’s about exercising but never losing weight

it’s about summers getting noticeably hotter

it’s about hating a particular celebrity because they’re everything you want to be but aren’t

it’s about fantasizing about stopping a mass shooting, or committing one

it’s about preferring porn to actual sex

it’s about seeing everyone you don’t know as a competitor who is not to be trusted

it’s about moving back in with your parents for the third time

it’s about being prescribed antidepressants you can’t just stop using or they’ll kill you

it’s about acute post-nut clarity

it’s about being repulsed by the accidental sight of yourself in the phone camera and fumbling to switch the camera to away view

it’s about wanting desperately to be showered with positive attention and knowing you’ll never get it and being slightly comforted by knowing that even if you did you’d still feel unfulfilled